A Prayer for Barbara Cartland
aka, The Agony of Writing Romance Scenes:
secretdubai: "He studied it for some moments, and then he suddenly turned to her, and lifted his hand to the side of her face. His eyes burned into hers. "People either yield to danger or they don't," he said. Then before she had time to react, his lips were on hers.
"Phoebe felt a lurch of desire. But as suddenly as he had embraced her he went, leaving her feeling more shellshocked than the burglary."
snow_white: I like the first bit of your rewrite, with the eyes burning bit
second bit - what about
"Phoebe felt a lurch of desire. But, just as suddenly as he had kissed her, he left, leaving her feeling feeling empty, and a little more bruised than before."
secretdubai: embraced rather than kissed?
snow_white: embraced sounds a little mills and boon. Go with kiss
secretdubai: oh it's so ELEGANT!
ok, but not sure about bruised
it suggests he might actually have bruised her
snow_white: but you get what i mean?
secretdubai: and if Hamid is bruising Susie
I can't have all the men as wifebeaters
snow_white: I'm searching for the mot juste between shellshocked and normal
shellshocked not really
secretdubai: how about "stunned"?
leaving her "stunned and slightly disorientated"
that sounds as though she has Meuniere's Disease of the inner ear
like my grandmother had
snow_white: emotionally battered?
that sounds like FISH!!!!!
fish is battered!
secretdubai: "breathless" would be like a crappy popsong
snow_white: sucker punch
secretdubai: "stunned and confused"?
snow_white: leave a row of XXXXs, it'll come to me
snow_white: there's a word stirring deep in my subconscious
secretdubai: just not too XXXX
these are early stages yet